Open When
by favefangirl
Summary: After Alec dies he leaves Magnus 'Open When...' letters. They help Magnus to heal. This is Magnus healing.


When Magnus woke up, he screamed for Alexander, voice wrecked with grief and suffering. His breathing was laboured as he scrambled out of bed, out of the room, down the hall into his study. He slumped back into his desk chair, poured himself a brandy, and took the chain from around his neck. He held it in front of him and admired the silver key, and glittering diamond ring. His wedding ring.

With shaking hands, he reached down to use the key to unlock the box that was hidden under the desk. It had been a while since he had opened it. He was finally starting to get his life together, he didn't feel the urge to throw himself off the nearest tall building everytime someone mentioned Alexander anymore. That surely meant he was healing, right? That he was finally beginning to move on?

He put the box on the desk and looked at the coloured envelopes inside, each with a different sentance written on in beautiful cursive. Magnus always had found Alexander's handwriting quite beautiful. He had made it through so many of the letters already: 'Open When it's the Morning of My Funeral', 'Open When you're so sad you can't function', 'Open when You're So Angry You Want to Burn the World Down.'

It must have been nearly a month since the last time he opened one. It had been, 'Open When You Fell Like You Are the Only One Left Grieving'. It had said that he wasn't allowed to be angry at anyone for moving on in life when he couldn't, and that they were allowed to be happy. It had said _he_ was allowed to be happy. It didn't mean he was betraying anyone, it was just how life goes.

When all Magnus had been left was an ebony box, he had been furious. Jace, who had been on the mission which had cost Alec his life, got his pick of Alec's wardrobe. Izzy got the Lightwood ring, Max got Alec's bow. Clary had been gifted a chain not even Magnus knew he owned. Everything that meant something went to them. All Magnus got was a stupid box! He was furious.

He drank himself into a stupor that evening, glaring at the box through tear-filled eyes. Pretty as it was, Magnus despised it. It came with a glistening silver key which was layed on the desk next to the box. At quarter past midnight, Magnus finally had enough and bitterly opened it. Inside were what seemed like hundreds of multi-coloured envelopes - arranged in the order of the pride flag - and a plain white piece of paper with a note on it.

The note was from Alec explaining that each of the letters were to be opened at precise times, specified on the envelopes. It said he hoped they would help Magnus heal, if only slightly, and that even in death he still loved Magnus more than anyone. He also explained that he had asked to be burned still wearing his wedding ring so that Magnus would be with him always.

Tonight, Magnus searched through them until he found one which seemed most apt, 'Open When You Miss Me so Much it Feels Like You Can't Breathe'. Magnus stares at the envelope for a moment, at the thick black lines that make up the words, and the cerulean paper. He tortures himself by imagining Alec spending hours scribing each letter, hand aching but ploughing through for Magnus. He thinks about it until it hurts too much.

Then he opens the envelope and pulls out the letter. He reads it inside his head, ' _Dear Magnus, know that wherever I am now, my thoughts are only of you. I hope that one day you might join me here, but there is no rush. I'm sure it hurts, but stay strong, for me. Don't be lonely, Clary, Jace, Izzy and Simon are all there for you. Go to them, talk to them, please. Know I love you, and that you are strong enough to get through this. Love, Alec._ '

Somehow, it calms Magnusa enough for him to return to bed, ensuring to put the box back where it goes. He slips the letter into another box of Alec's things, this one he keeps in his wardrobe and is now mostly full of letters. It also holds a black sweater which Magnus puts on sometimes when things are really hard, but the scent of Alec's cologne is so weak nowm it doesn't help as much as it used to.

Magnus remembered all the good times he and Alec shared as he slipped back to sleep on a tear stained pillow.

It took five years for someone to come along and make Magnus' breath catch in his throat, the way it had when he first saw Alec at his party so long ago. Magnus' first reaction was to feel guilty. How _dare_ he think of someone like that? It was a betreyal of Alec, of their relationship, everything they went through together. It didn't matter how long it had been, five or fifty years.

He went home that night, and searched through every one of the envelopes until he finds one that reads, 'Open When Someone New Comes Along.' Magnus opened it with haste and read it over and over inside his head. In some ways, this one was harder to read than any of the others, because Magnus felt like he was commiting a sin, rather than feeling like he could cry at any moment.

' _Dear Magnus. I knew one day you would move on, and as much as I hate the idea of you with someone else, I hate the idea of you alone even more. So I give you permission, whoever it is that has caught your eye, go and be happy with them. It doesn't mean you're betraying me, it doesn't mean you're abandoning or forgettine me. It means you're giving yourself chance to be happy again. Take it. Love, Alec._ '

As Magnus read it again for what must have been the millionth time, he felt strange. He felt, somehow, liberated.

Emillia is nothing like Alec. She's blonde with green eyes and freckles. She's short and plump and always happy. She is a fellow Warlock. She is the first person Magnus meets who doesn't remind him in someway of Alec, and he thinks that's maybe why their relationship lasts so long. Because before the eyes are the same cobalt, or the hair the same obsidian. Emillia doesn't spark that same uneasy feeling in Magnus' stomach.

Telling her about Alec is one of the hardest things he has ever had to do, and before he's even halfway done with the tragic love story, they had both cried more than once. Emillia is kind, she promises not to be angry when Magnus misses Alec, and to respect Alec's memory. That made Magnus cry again, which made Emillia giggle only slightly before wiping away his tears.

Magnus tells her about the letters, but divulges that he can't bear to share them with anyone, and she doesn't ask him to. Only says that if one day he would like to show them to someone, she would like to get to know Alec through his own words. Then she asks what Alec was like, and when Magnus is done describing in detail every part of Alec's personality, she comments that she is sad never to have met him.

When she goes home that night, Magnus hunts down a flint envelope in the box which he never imagined for a second he would need to open. The words scrawled carfeully across the front read, 'Open When You Fall in Love Again.' He stares at it, at the word love, and thinks of Emillia. He knows that it's time, knows that she makes him happy, and that's all that Alec ever wanted for him. So he rips open the envelope.

' _Dear Magnus. I hope they are special, and treat you like you deserve. I hope they love you even half as much as I do, because then at least I'll know you're being looked after. Please don't feel guilty, you know all I want is for you to be happy, and if they make that happen then so be it. I thought we'd be together forever, but it seems we were only together for my forever, and that hurts._

 _But I still love you, and deep down you still love me too, but now it's time for you to move on. Don't forget me, Magnus Bane, but don't let yourself grieve forever. If this person makes you happy then you hold on to them no matter what. That's all I ask, be happy. Don't think this is betrayal, Magnus, it isn't. It's time to move on now, okay? Know I'l always love you, no matter what. Love, Alec._ '

Magnus showed it to Emillia the next day, the only letter he ever shared.

It's cold today. Typical December weather in Brooklyn. All the radiators in Magnus' apartment are blaring out heat, and he sits in his study watching the yellow cabs roll by, and people the size of ants hurry through the thin layer of snow which blankets the pavement. His ipod is playing in the background, medolic ballads falling from the speakers. Silence hangs in the air a moment before the song changes.

At the first note, Magnus' heart stops. He recognises this song straight away. War of Hearts by Ruelle. His and Alec's song. It had been playing at this bar during their first fight, and they had adopted it as theirs. Magnus hadn't heard it in nearly eight years. It makes his eyes sting with tears, and he takes the chain from around his neck. He unlocks the box and observes one lone letter. It's white making the writing stand out even more.

'Open When You Realise You Can't Remember the Exact Shade of Blue of My Eyes.' Magnus' heart pounds when he realises he can't. They used to be engrained in his mind, and now all he can think is, 'they were blue, right?'. He rips open the letter sharply, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks, knowing his eye-liner will smudge horribly. He tips the contents of the envelope onto the table.

He picks up the letter and reads, ' _Dear Magnus. I knew this day would come, I only hope that wherever you are you are loved, and you love others. I've probably been gone a very long time now, but if you're reading this then that means you haven't forgotten me. Honestly, I'm flattered. Just make sure you're living your life, okay, not dwelling on mine. Mine's over, but yours is just beginning!_

I knew one day you'd forget the small details, the things you always said you loved about me most. The faint lines on my face, the shade of my eyes and hair. The few freckles which dot my face and body, the outlines of muscles. The list goes on. Perhaps you were slightly obsessed with me? Don't worry, I was obsessed with you too, that's why I married you. It was less wierd that way.

The point is though, you're thinking all those things about someone else now. You're noticing the subtle changes in tone and facial expression when their mood changes, and all the ways in which you can make them happy again. That's okay, that's good. Be happy, please. I want you to promise me that. That you will do everything in your power to be happy, always and forever.

This is the final letter, the box is now empty. I want you to use it to fill with memories of your life, and your life with this new person. It is my final gift to you, a way to remember all the good times in your life. It's the least I can do since you made so many of them in mine. Just, please, keep the glitter away. It's kind if an expensive box. And don't do something stupid like get a tatoo of someone's name on yourself, it hurts and they're kind of permenant.

 _Mostly, I want you to remember this, I will always love you. It's okay that you've moved on, I'm so happy for you, don't let something like guilt ruin this for you. you deserve al the happiness in the world, Magnus Bane. This is my final goodbye, and our time has been spectacular. I love you, always and forever, not even death can take that from me. All my love, your Alexander._ '

Sobbing, Magnus manages to turn over the photographs which came in the envelope with the letter. They're all of him and Alec. It's now that Magnus notices the writing on the back. Dates and labels. 'Our first date', 'The first time we said 'I love you'', 'When we got back together', 'When I proposed (because he was crying too much to do it himself)'. Looking at the pictures Magnus remembers every single memory.

He remembers Alec, his dark hair and his blue eyes. Magnus grins at one of the picture. Alec's eyes, they're cobolt...


End file.
